Katsu!
by RANDOMNATIONS
Summary: Deidara finally commits suicide, but brings Itachi with. But is his death really what it seems? Will the two ever be together again? What if it was really a big plot? Yaoi. Character Deaths.
1. Death

Disclaimer: No characters are mine TT.TT

Warnings: Character Deaths, ItaDei

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Konan was a feminist. Is a feminist. Nobody knew that until Hidan started listening to rap. Hidan didn't listen to rap until after Deidara and I died. However, this isn't about Konan, or even Hidan.

I guess I should stop recalling what happened afterwards; that's not my story to tell. My story, this story, is one of love, lies, deception, and eternal death.

It all started after I joined Akatsuki. I'm talking post-massacre. Deidara hadn't joined yet; until then, it was boring. I went on missions with Kisame, got religious lectures from Hidan, the usual.

When Deidara joined, or, I should say, 'was recruited', my whole previous existence went up in flames. Everything I thought I had turned into dust. Not visibly though; I'm absolutely certain nobody noticed the change except for myself.

He was bipolar, I swear to God. And depressed, too. Manically depressed, bipolar, and most likely a borderline. Meaning he had borderline personality disorder. I would stop to explain, but that would interrupt my story, wouldn't it? Anyway, he was just the type of person to believe they would never find their "One and Only".

I guess that's what I was to him. I never believed stuff like that, though, that was his job. I keep saying 'his' without mentioning his name. I guess I took permanent mental damage from my killer's actions, so that's why I'm avoiding it. From now on I won't avoid his- Deidara's- name.

It was Dei who made me truly feel, for the first time in my life. I don't know what it is about him, but I can't find it anywhere else. We've made up, of course, for what we said and did afterwards and during those…moments. Even being dead couldn't keep us apart.

It was pathetic, really, how he punished himself for killing me. But that's not the story I'm telling. I'm telling you- whomever you are- how we died. Dei said he had heard somewhere that it released tension, and so, to humor him, I'm trying it.

To all of "you" who hate Deidara: he is NOT a girl, NOT a whore, and NOT a fag, I'm sure I left something out of that list, but I'll get to it later. Dei's bi. I'm just lucky he chose to be so, otherwise I would've turned my Mangekyougan on myself before I did. But that's not in my story; it's after. Not that it's a real story anyway; stories are fiction. This isn't.

The first thing Deidara said to me after he "joined" Akatsuki was weeks later. I can still remember the timidity I saw in the normally bubbly individual. "Itachi-sama, where's the ramen, yeah?"

I can remember my response, too. I pointed at the infamous Ramen Drawer that's a story for another time, my friends and uttered what some say is my catchphrase:

"Hn."

"Th… thanks, Itachi-sama, yeah," was all the response I got as he scurried back into his room like a mouse to its' hole with a package of "instant' ramen. Probably too scared to cook in front of me.

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Out 'relationship" matured over time, ripened, and got ready to be enjoyed. So, I tried my best to answer, and answer correctly, when opportunity came knocking at two in the morning. Two-twenty-three, to be precise.

"Please let me in, Itachi-sama, yeah," was all he said between pitiful sniffles. I, of course, let him in with another of my iconoclastic blank stares.

"What is--" I started, only to be cut off by him attacking me in a giant bear hug. I sighed and dragged him over to my bed, closing the door on the way. I set him down and satr next to him. He immediately latched onto me, sighing through more tears than I had ever seen. Given no other choice, I held him, whispered comforting nothings and ran my fingers through his long, blond hair.

If you hadn't already guessed, I really like Dei. I hated how he called me Itachi-_sama_; it made me feel like he thought I was superior to him, when I knew I wasn't. I saw us on the same level.

When he stopped crying, sniffling and finally, shaking, it was 4:12 am. I sighed. Contrary to popular belief, I need a lot of sleep and am not an insomniac.

However, he was still clinging to me. Even though I liked it, I wasn't comfortable. I shifted, taking my hand out of his hair. He whimpered, shifting positions into my lap, put my hand back on his head, and stared at me with those big blue eyes of his.

I couldn't resist. I pulled him onto me and held him close. He squeaked in surprise, a cute, endearing sound. I continued stroking his hair though, so he quickly settled himself into me and whimpered, tears threatening to take over again.

I, of course, shushed him again, kissed the top of his head, but that's as far as it went that night. I admit, I was glad.

I was terrified of these new emotions, at first. I controlled myself, yes, but it took a lot of willpower not to rape him that night. I knew he would never forgive me, and I also knew that I could never live with that.

But, at this point in the story, we aren't even there yet, are we/ I'm sorry for all of the foreshadowing. I'm just writing what comes to mind; I just know more of the story than you do, whomever you are.

Eventually, he fell asleep in my arms. I shifted so that I was lying on my side, and quickly fell asleep, lulled by his even breathing.

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When I woke up, he was still there, big blue eyes staring at me, almost through me, it seemed. I calmly reoriented myself, reminding myself why he was there, and stared back.

"Good morning, Itachi-sama, yeah!" he said, almost bouncing from joy of something I couldn't comprehend.

"Good morning, Deidara," I responded.

Dei sighed. 'Why do you always have to but up such a blank façade? I want you to be happy too…"

"I am happy."

"Then why don't you look like it, yeah?" he asked, pouting.

I sighed tiredly. "Dei, happiness isn't all it's racked up to be."

He cocked his head and looked at me, tears threatening to overcome him again. I sighed inwardly. He wasn't normally this weak. Why now? Why ME?

Anyhow, since I had to deal with it somehow, I went on. "Think about it. How can one thing- one feeling- solve all of our problems? Aren't there drugs and cults based on the fact that different things, besides happiness, like Ecstasy and God can do that?"

"No, because all that drugs and religion promise is the ability to find true happiness, yeah." I was surprised that he actually had a counterargument.

'But none of them work."

'For some people, yes, yeah. For others, though, they actually find it. How else would we have this so-called 'myth' of 'true happiness', yeah? That's why it's what I want. I want someone to love me forever, yeah," he said, eyes going a little more dreamy than normal.

"You think love is true happiness?" I scoffed. Within seconds, I knew this was the wrong response. He buried his golden head in my chest as the tears came back, hard and fast. I could feel them dripping down my skin. Cold and wet.

He started coming to me periodically after that, to cry and be held. He never once told me he loved me, though. That was always my job. Sometimes those were the only words that would make him calm down.

I never thought that, eventually, I would mean it. I always thought that it was his way of controlling me, and I welcomed the challenge. I see now that it was no method of control; he was merely showing me his true self.

More and more often he would approach me. Sometimes to show me something, others to ask me something. Whenever he did, I could tell that he truly valued my response to whatever it was. Therefore, I was careful to give him good answers, not like those Sasori gave him.

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Sasori was one of the reasons Deidara came to me. Deidara would show him something, get a Sasori-esque response, and come running to me in tears. I began to hate Sasori for what he did, even though it brought Deidara and I closer together. That was, until I talked to him about it.

It was initially him who approached me, with a curt "You're welcome."

'For what?" I said icily, still not having forgiven him for his treatment of my Dei. That's how I thought about him. I still do. Like he's mine. And I know he is… for now at least. I have to keep earning that part of his soul, or it will be taken away from me.

Anyway, Sasori's response was, "for giving you my partner."

"Thank you, then," was the only response I could think to give him at the time.

I could hear his snide "although I don't see why he would want you," as I walked away.

I didn't dignify it with a response.

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Deidara and I eventually got together. But the closer we were, it seemed, the more common his suicide attempts were. For him, the world was fragile. I would stop every one, but I was always terrified of the idea that, one day, there would be one I couldn't stop.

In the end, there was. I guess I had prepared myself for that, though. What I didn't expect was for him to take me with.

It started normally, if that could be said for a suicide attempt, him tugging at my sleeve with that dangerous look in his eyes. "Danna?"

'Yes, Dei-chan?"

"I'm gonna do it. You wanna come too, yeah?"

"Do what, Dei?" Whenever he talked like this. There was a bad outcome.

"Come, yeah." He dragged me outside, into the forest near our base.

"Deidara, where are we going?"

'Far enough it won't hurt anyone else. We're going on a trip, yeah!" he smiled weakly.

It suddenly clicked in my head. 'Dei, NO," I growled out.

"Yes, Danna, yeah."

I backed him up against a tree. "Neither of us are leaving."

He sniffled, and I hugged him. His hands never touched my back, though… instead, he was making hand-signs. I didn't notice until it was too late. 'Dei, no--"

"KATSU!"

When I 'woke up', Dei was standing over me. Realization quickly came back. Then, when he started talking, my heart sank. He was grinning hugely. "I did it."

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The End. Please review!


	2. Stairs

KATSU Ch

KATSU Ch. 2

I'm sorry to all those who have predetermined beliefs about heaven and hell and the way things work after death. I don't mean to shatter those or offend anyone.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the original series.

Warnings: skewed views

And, onto the story:

Deidara's PoV

I was grinning, I knew that. I knew I should be happy, but I was hollow inside. I wondered if he was too. "I did it, un!" I reaffirmed.

"Yes, Deidara. NICE GOING. Now we're fucking DEAD." He kept his calm demeanor, although I could tell he was raging mad at me. His tone was the normal one too, if you could believe that. The cold, chill emotionless voice of a killer who lived for nothing else.

"But I-"

"I DON'T CARE. I, Deidara, never wanted to die. I never wanted you to die either. But SOMEONE had to be insanely stupid and kill us BOTH. Now, if I was that someone, I would be running in terror of what I'm about to do to them."

I realized, all of a sudden, that he wasn't kidding. He wouldn't spare me this time. But what could he do to me? I mean, we were already dead. "But Danna, you- you- you said you would never hurt me, yeah," I whispered. "You said-"

"I don't care what I said, _Deidara_. I don't care about you either. Now get your ass away from me before I kill _you_."

It was at that point that what looked like a very badly mixed-up woman walked towards us. She reminded me of Zetsu. Parts of her were angel, parts of her were demon. "You two must be new here," she spit out in a sandpapery voice that tweaked up and down as she talked. This lady had to be the epitome of bipolar. "Now, if you would stop this _lover's spat_," she grated out the word with obvious dislike, "I can direct you to where you are _supposed_ to be. And, I assure you, if you try to follow anything but those paths chosen for you, there will be dire consequences."

Itachi, having a complete change of faith, put his arms around me and drew me chose to him. "If you _DARE_ take him away from me I will make you suffer more than you thought was possible."

I was dumbfounded. First, an undead, non-plant Zetsu lady; now a bipolar Itachi? "I- Itachi-sama, yeah?"

"Blondie goes left," the woman forced out after consulting what looked to be a pocket dictionary. "Red-eyes goes right."

"So you are trying to split us up," Itachi growled, and leapt at her, shoving me to the side. Suddenly, though, Itachi was in chains, bound to a leash the woman had attached to a bracelet/ring contraption. She took it off and gave it to a demon-looking assistant, who dragged Itachi towards the right fork of a tunnel.

"Well, Blondie? Whatcha lookin' at? I told you to _go left_."

My eyes went wide and I stammered thanks and stumbled to the left fork with her cackling laughter cascading down my eardrums like bloody waterfalls.

A little ways into the tunnel, it turned into stairs. The neutral purple of my surroundings gradually tie-dyed into a lighter blue, the higher up the stairs you went. There was nobody else there, just me, as I stumbled up giant steps that made me feel like a mouse.

The higher I got, the more I could see of the ceiling. Before, it was hidden in shadow, but now it was a sky-blue, with puffy little white clouds swirling around in random patterns. The walls that looked like the inside of a monster before gradually coalesced with the pure goodness that radiated down until it formed classical architecture.

I kept stumbling up stairs, with the help of a marble balustrade that looked like it would fall into dust at my very touch but supported most of my weight as I used it to haul myself ever upwards. Whenever I looked back, nothing was hidden from me. I could see my own footprints in the dust that had accumulated on the stairs, causing me to assume that nobody had been up here for a while. I wondered why.

I wondered a lot of things while I climbed those stairs. Most of all, though, was why they, whomever they were, had taken Itachi and I away from each other. I didn't know anything about where I was; it was nothing like I had imagined death would be. No floating around in little halos, no being tortured down in hell. Unless climbing stairs was my torture, but I doubted it. I had imagined that my death would turn me into nothing, like I wanted it to be. I guess it was then that I realized I had screwed up. Death is never what you want it to be.

I finally got to the top of the monster staircase. There was a little marble doorway, with a young woman sitting next to it in a folding chair with a clipboard sipping a frappucino. I walked up to her, confused.

"Who the hell are you?" she looked up from the magazine she had clipped to the clipboard. "Nobody comes around here anymore."

"I'm Deidara, un," I said.

"Never heard of you. Anyway, why are you here?"

"A woman down at the bottom of the stairs told me to go left, yeah," I answered.

"Well, she's hardly ever wrong… how'd you die?"

"Explosion, un!" my eyes lit up briefly.

She looked at me like I was insane. "Explosion? Seriously?" she sighed. "You have got to be kidding me. There can't have been another major disaster… I hate those. All the little whiny people coming up those steps and begging to be let in… Anyway, what type of explosion?"

"I killed myself and another using my art, un." It hurt to confess, but I knew that it had to be done.

"So you're a murderer. Well, that's a new one. They must be getting desperate. But you did say art."

I looked at her like she was insane.

"Oh, yeah. You're a n00b. Well, just in case you didn't know, this is the doorway to Heaven. If they don't let at least five people in here every millennia, we have to close up shop and move away or get a job somewhere else. That happened just before the Renaissance. Trust me, it was bad. Lucifer down there? He makes a horrible boss. Anyway, then there were so many people—like, twenty—so we got to reopen."

"So… all artists get in here or something, yeah?"

"Yea, dumbass. Now sign the roster" she thrust something in my hands. Another clipboard. I signed using the attached pen. "And get out of my sight." She gestured through the door. I went to walk past her, but her bracelet lit up. It was a silver piece, ovals connected with studded leather. "WAIT!"

"What is it, un?"

She looked at the clipboard. "We'll have to put you in purgatory, sir. It's for your own benefit. You'll be safer there."

"WHAT?!" I yelped. "Why?"

"It seems you have a…" she smirked. "Guardian demon, we might say. Have you ever heard of a 'Uchiha Itachi'?"

"Itachi isn't a demon, un!"

"First name terms, I see. Well, there isn't much we can do about that. You'll be confined until we can eliminate the threat."


	3. Secretaries

**This was first intended to be a oneshot; to anyone who would've liked it to stay that way, I'm sorry. I guess this is influenced by daydrifter's _To Hell and Back_, so if it gets too close someone tell me and I can delete it. **

**Anyway, I don't own Naruto or any of its' characters, settings, et cetera. Thanks for reading, please R&R!**

KATSU Ch. 3

Earlier, Itachi's PoV

Like he said, I was dragged away in chains by a secretary in all-black leather with red skin and a stereotypical devil-tail that swished from under her skirt as she walked. "What's your name, freshmeat?"

I told her.

"What're you doing, coming here?"

"Where is here?"

She laughed. "Why, Hell's Court, of course. The last chance to go to Heaven."

"Where is heaven?"

"Up those stairs and to the left."

"What's up there?" I asked stupidly.

She laughed again, tiny tinkling bells. "Why, heaven, of course."

"What's it like up there?"

"How should I know? I've never been up there. Hell, I don't even know why I'm talking to you!" Then, after a pause and in a musing tone, "probably your pretty face."

I laughed with her this time. "What exactly is Hell's Court?"

"Oh, you know. A stereotypical courtroom with God as the judge, to decide whether you belong in Heaven or Hell."

"So there really is a God?"

"He's more of a… how do I put this… demigod. He just makes us call him God. He says it makes him feel special." She winked at me. "Don't tell him I told you."

"I won't." I smirked back at her. She was kinda cute. I mentally berated myself. I was with Deidara; I loved Deidara, and only Deidara.

She giggled and hugged me. She smelled like volcanoes and woodsmoke. I hugged her back, and she kissed me contentedly, like I was hers. I'm sad to admit to it, but I captured her mouth again and held her there.

The collar disappeared with a twitch of her fingers and suddenly I was on top of her in the passageway. She was pulling at my cloak and whining about how she was cold and I needed to warm her up.

Soon, our discarded clothes lined the hallway, spread out in the same random order as victims in a massacre. Her whimpers and moans filled the small space, and in the end I found myself blank. No emotion whatsoever had lined the act, and I felt worse than before.

Deidara was gone for five minutes, and I had to go and fuck some random chick. I had her whimpering at my feet, but I felt no emotion whatsoever. I got dressed and walked back to the fork in the path. There was no woman standing there anymore. I turned to the left and was presented with a giant staircase.

I felt like a mouse. But I was determined to act undaunted, even while knowing that I was. So, I approached the first giant-sized stair and hoisted myself up onto it. And the next, and the next.

Soon, the walls got lighter. They turned blue. I could see what looked to be columns, reaching up gracefully into the sky, with flying buttresses between them to hold up the ceiling that wasn't a ceiling but a great blue sky, filled with drifting white clouds.

All in all, it was beautiful. I don't normally say that, either. Well, I guess I do when I'm talking about Deidara, but not otherwise. And especially not to a… a landscape, or piece of architecture, or whatever this was.

Anyway, I kept going up those giant stairs with the help of a flimsy balustrade until I got to a doorway. There was nobody standing by it, but there was a folding chair, an abandoned frappucino, and a sign that said "escorting prisoner- be back soon."

I growled in annoyance. Was I supposed to wait for this person to be back, or was I to assume that the prisoner was Deidara? With the taste of someone else on my lips, I went after my love.

They were easy to track, seeing as Deidara hadn't been putting up a fight but had been dropping those silky golden hairs every step or so. It also helped that his guardian was wearing combat boots, causing their steps to resound in the hallway ahead of me. They also told me, however, that they were far away.

I was running now, giving all thoughts of stealth to the wind. My hair was flowing out behind me, free of its' normal ponytail. I wondered how that happened, got an image of the demon who I had just had sex with, and decided that I didn't want to think about it. It was bad enough that had happened without my thinking of it in a positive way. I still don't know what came over me…

Suddenly, I realized I was with someone. I looked to my left, and there was the demon I had just fucked. What was her name again? Oh, wait, she had never told me. She grinned. "You think I'd let you get away?"

"Hn." I was concentrated on tracking right now, so if she could just shut up and either help me or leave that would be great right now.

She giggled instead. "My name's Hinote. What's yours?"

"Uchiha Itachi."

"Weasel!" she exclaimed, laughing.

"Hn."

"Is that all you say?"

"No."

"Why are we running down a hall towards purgatory?"

"Towards WHAT?"

"Purgatory. It's where we house our prisoners and all those who… y'know… have demons after them."

"Why would Dei have a demon after him?"

"You're a demon, silly! And you're after him, aren't you?"

We skidded to a stop as we reached Deidara and a goth-looking secretary. What was it with this place and secretaries? It was her boots that had been making the sounds… not that they were real sounds. Just resonances that the normal ear couldn't pick up. They did, however, disturb my chakra slightly, so I had trained myself to pick up on them.

She skidded around. "AISU!" Hinote screamed. "I haven't seen you in so long!" She tackled the other woman to the ground in one of the fiercest hugs I've ever seen. I guess they were friends.

That theory stood until I saw that it was a full-on catfight. They were scratching, biting and gouging with the fiercest looks I've ever seen in the eyes of women. Not that I'm trying to be sexist.

I ran up to Deidara, who shied away. "I- Itachi-sama, y- yeah?"

"Dei, what is it?" He didn't normally shy away… something had to be wrong because he wasn't hugging me.

"D- do you need a- a mirror or- or something, yeah?"

"What? Deidara, what's wrong?" I was panicking. Did he not love me anymore? Did he know I had cheated?

"Y- you're bright r- red, yeah," he stuttered out. His eyes were big and scared. "A- and you h- have a t- tail, un."


End file.
